Archive for the 'Fractured Fairy Tales' Category

How The Goose Was Cooked

Posted in Fractured Fairy Tales on February 12th, 2005

You have heard of a goose that laid golden eggs. She produced one golden egg each day. So far, so good.

However, some townspeople heard of this phenomenon and said, “This has potential. Let us discover precisely what enables this goose to produce these golden eggs! We will develop a formula to give to the rest of the geese—so they too will lay golden eggs for us!”

So the townspeople grabbed hold of the goose, studied the goose, analyzed the goose, and even dissected the goose. Sure enough, they killed the goose. (Although some other geese destroyed themselves after hearing the preliminary results of the study. They perished while trying to emulate and then outperform the first goose. They were hoping to lay platinum eggs.)

The townspeople failed to enjoy the beauty and mystery of this marvelous goose, enjoying its gold in due time. Instead, they analyzed the poor goose to death!

‘The Three Little Pigs’ Revisited

Posted in Fractured Fairy Tales on January 31st, 2005

Resulting from their predecessors’ experiences, all three of these pigs chose to build their homes of brick right from the start.  Of course, that didn’t keep the Big Bad Wolf from taunting them.

The wolf approached the dwelling of the first pig.  He said something to the effect of, “I will huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!”

“Oh, no!  I’m not supposed to be bothered by these things anymore!  This is not fair!  What will I do?” exclaimed the first little pig.  So he frantically ran outside his home, headed toward the wolf, shouted some obscenities—and the Big Bad Wolf ate him.

The wolf came to the second pig’s home barking out a similar salutation.  Since he didn’t think the bricks were enough, this little piggy went to the market to purchase some goods.  He returned, built a fence around his house (complete with barbed wire and electric shock capacity), installed a security system, and never left his little home again.  So the Big Bad Wolf consumed him.

The third little pig was no less a victim of this predator’s intimidation tactics, but he remembered what his house was made of—so he oinked out a plan.  Safely from within his home, he watched the wolf through a window.  When the wolf fainted from all of the huffing, puffing, and blowing hot air, the pig tossed him off the lawn and enjoyed life again. 

Now every so often, the wolf returned with the hope of trapping and eating the third little pig.  Nevertheless, he knew what his house was built of, so the pig was always provided with a way to evade the perils of the Big Bad Wolf.           

Express Myself!

Posted in Fractured Fairy Tales on January 31st, 2005

Baby Bear had the opportunity to spend some time away from Mama Bear & Papa Bear, so he ventured into the woods.  He happened upon a porcupine and really liked the looks of his quills.  The porcupine gladly handed over a few of his extras so that Baby Bear could wear some quills too.  Then Baby Bear made friends with a raccoon and shortly thereafter insisted that he find himself a mask so that he could also wear one.  No sooner had he said goodbye to the raccoon when he had met up with a chicken.  As you may have guessed, he fell in love with the chicken’s feathers and began to wear some of his own.  On his way back to the cottage, he ran into Goldilocks. Sure enough, he asked Goldilocks if she’d be willing to bleach his coat blonde for him in exchange for a bowl of warm porridge.  Goldilocks agreed to the exchange.
Once Baby Bear had returned to the cottage, both Mama Bear & Papa Bear took notice of his new appearance and were quite displeased.  Mama Bear exclaimed, “What on earth were you thinking when you did all of this?”
Baby Bear [sheepishly] replied, “Mama, I just wanted to express myself!” 

Dick & Jane Return

Posted in Fractured Fairy Tales on December 23rd, 2004

Jane insisted that she could not apply for a certain job because she didn’t understand measurements and conversions.  Dick, attempting to help her by showing her that she was already familiar with the basics, asked, “Jane, how many inches are there in a yard?”

She replied, “I can’t do it, I just don’t know anything about that stuff!”

Dick said, “Very well,” and asked “How many FEET are there in a yard?”

Jane replied, “I told you already—I don’t know anything about this stuff!

Finally, Dick asked, “Jane, how many YARDS are in a yard?”

Then Jane said, “Look, I’m telling you for the last time!  Leave me alone!  I just don’t know anything about it!”

The Salting A Bird Tale

Posted in Fractured Fairy Tales on December 23rd, 2003

Two boys were playing in a field.  One of them spotted a bird on the ground and tried to catch it so he could take it home with him.  The other boy told him that the way he was going about [catching the bird] was all wrong.  He said, “I know an easy way!  A friend of mine told me that he catches birds all of the time by just sprinkling a little salt on their tails.  Once they get salt on their tails, they can’t fly anymore.  Then it is easy to catch them!”

Have you ever seen your friend catch them that way?” inquired the bird-chasing boy.

“Well, I’ve seen all of the birds that he has at home,” replied his friend.

So the boy went home, grabbed the saltshaker from the kitchen table, and enthusiastically set out to pursue the birds.  As he was running back outside, he was thinking of al the different ways he would try to get salt on their tails.  But every time he got near a bird it would just fly away.

Still, the boy continued chasing after birds with his saltshaker in hand.  Each time he hoped to get just enough salt on the tail of a bird to at least slow it down.  Each time seemed a little closer than the last, but he still couldn’t salt a tail to save his life!  He never would catch a bird.

Nevertheless, the boy chased after those birds his entire life because he believed what his friend said.